Well, I am kinda cheerful this morning. Why? Well, director Uwe Boll has announced a September 12 th start date for the filming of the official POSTAL movie. Scheduled for release some time next year, the feisty Boll has begun his usual eleventh hour signing of major Hollywood names for the production. While previous casting information was limited largely to rumor and obvious choices such as Gary Coleman and Vince Desi, word has just arrived that Ron Perlman has been signed to play Uncle Dave.Perlman should be quite familiar to our readers. He first gained notice as the lionesque lead in the TV series “Beauty and the Beast” (guess who Ron played?) but has since made movie memories in roles ranging from the scary Russian Koulikov in “Enemy at the Gates” to the eponymous star of the “Hellboy” franchise. Ron has even worked with Uwe before, on the still-unreleased Dungeon Siege film, “In the Name of the King” and, since we’re told he signed a two-picture deal, will apparently work with him again, after POSTAL wraps.
Perlman is quite experienced the world of videogames, having lent his voice to many of them, including: Gun and Narc. Other cast members include Gareth Von Kallenbach, Boll mascot Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller and Richard Kyanka (who is scheduled as one of Boll’s opponents in the upcoming “Raging Boll” battle). Still no final word on who will play the Postal Dude himself. You can even visit Uwe’s own nascent site and view the film’s current logo.
And what of the the fight against Boll’s critics? Well, it took a second, even more inflammatory press release to do it, but POSTAL film director Uwe Boll has finally managed to lure several “punching bags” into his web, which in this case is a boxing ring.
As readers of last issue will no doubt recall, Uwe issued a challenge on June 12 th to his many critics (limited to those who published or delivered scabrous, scathing critiques of the auteur somewhere in the media during the calendar year 2005) to duke it out with him as part of a bizarre promotion for his cinematic rendition of POSTAL.
But despite Uwe’s offer to house his opponents in luxury guest accommodations at his expense, he wasn’t getting takers. So he sweetened the bait with an incendiary press release on July 27th in which he asked the musical question: “Where are my harshest critics from the IMDb and other websites hiding? Are they chickening out? Many have said they will fight me but they never register to fight? Where are all the other outspoken critics? Critics who claim that they have registered for the boxing match, but in fact have not. Where is Headhunter004? Where are the rest of you?
“We have decided to make it easier for all you arm chair critics . We will drop the number of boxing rounds down from a professional level of 10 rounds of boxing to an amateur level of three rounds of boxing for each of the five matches.
“To all of my extreme critics, be man enough to come forward, register and let’s get it on. Here’s your chance to bring me down in front of international press and TV cameras. Have it recorded for history by being part of my next feature film, POSTAL… Put up or shut up! â€?
Well, that apparently did the trick. On August 21, Uwe announced that he had found his “punching bags” and had even scored a sponsorship deal with online casino GoldenPalace.com to present the event he has dubbed “Raging Boll.”
According to a press release we received from Gareth Von Kallenbach, GoldenPalace.com CEO Richard Rowe marveled: “This event is perfect for us. We receive so many outlandish offers for advertising exposure that it is refreshing to see something that surprises even us.”
Four matches are currently scheduled for September 23 and one match is set for earlier in Spain , making a total of five opponents, though the dates aren’t yet set in stone.
So, who are these brave souls who will dare to step onto the canvas with the master of the Boll-o Punch? Carlos Palencia Jiménez-Argüello from Madrid, Spain and Webmaster of Cinecutre.com will be the first to face the furious fists of the man other men call Mr. Boll. The Palencia-Boll fight will occur in Malaga, Spain (where Uwe will be receiving an award of some sort for “Bloodrayne” from the International Film Festival of Fantastic Cinema and Terror) sometime this month. The other fights will take place in Vancouver, Canada, where Richard “Lowtax“ Kyanka from Lee’s Summit, Missouri (the Webmaster/CEO for Something Awful) is up next, followed by Ain’t It Cool News journalist Jeff Sneider from Los Angeles (though I couldn’t locate any confirmation of this on the AICN site). If Uwe is still standing at this point, he’ll also tackle Rue Morgue Radio (AM 640 in Toronto ) and Magazine journalist/announcer Chris Alexander from Canada and website critic Nelson Chance Minter from Fredrick , Maryland.
Word on the street is that Uwe may not be at the level of, say, Mirko Cro-Cop, Chuck Liddell or Postal Punisher Chad Griggs as a puncher, but he apparently has enough of a background as a back room boxer that he should be able to shoot on these guys pretty successfully.
You gots to hand it to the Wrecking Boll; not since Sardu in the cult film “Bloodsucking Freaks” (or Vincent Price’s Richard Lionheart in “Theater of Blood”) has anyone devised such a creative and physical form of revenge on his critics.