The Darkest Evil

Damn, I got shot down again. Oh well, she was nice enough to tell me up front rather than to lead me on and make me think there was something more like one person recently did. No I am not bitter about that. Okay, I still am. But what if I still am? I have a right to be, after what Miranda did to me. But I try not to focus on it. I would much rather find someone that truly loves and cares about me than to focus on a hater.

Speaking on that route, it doesn’t appear that my attempts at finding someone are going well. Every time that I try to find someone, they usually already have a boyfriend or are not dating anyone right now. That could easily translate to they don’t want to date me. Ever. I just wish I could find someone that loves and accepts me for everything I am. Essentially, I want to marry my best friend. I want to date my best friend.

I am not sure I should continue actively looking for love at this point. Maybe if I sit back for a little while, it just might come to me. At least, that’s what I am hoping for.

Okay, so the day of the DOA meeting, I walk into Words and Pictures and lo and behold - my Green Green DVDs came in. The problem? I ordered them 2 months ago from Words and Pictures and I got them when I got back from Fall Ministry Experience from Amazon.ca. In fact, he made me pay for them with my store credit from those Dungeons and Dragons guidebooks that I returned. WTF?!? So, these DVDs are going back to Amazon.ca since Rob won’t allow me to get a refund at his store. Yeah, from now on I am going to use Amazon.ca to purchase all my anime stuff because Words and Pictures sucks. (Miranda directed me toward this store, so what should I expect?)

Also, I finally moved my site over to MediaTemple. Yeah, I know - I should have done it sooner. I started the process to give Barry my web space so I hope he can forgive the latency of this. Just in case you don’t know, I will fill you in on all the details. Barry runs an Azumanga Daioh fan site called Sata Andagi and a less important site called ThoughtDump.net. Now, normally, I would just give this away to someone through some sort of contest but this guy is on 1&1 web hosting so he kinda got my sympathies on this. (fyi: 1&1 is evil)

When I went to my Post Office box downtown, I found out that I forgot my P.O. Box keys. So I had to get the nice Post Office woman to get my mail for me. Appearantly, my Bleach Original Sound Tracks came in. ^_^ But unfortunately, I had to pay customs fees on one of the CDs, just because it was not correctly classified. It wasn’t too bad though, only about $6.00 or something like that. I wonder what I will have to pay when my books come in from Alibris or my NWN2 Limited Edition DVD comes in from GAME in the UK.

So, after that ordeal, I trudged to Meagan and Matt’s place to watch CSI. So, this entails taking the C-Train from downtown to Brentwood and taking a #20 Northmount bus to the shopping centre that encompasses Safeway, CIBC, Shell, a 7-Eleven, a PetroCanada and a few other places. The trudge up to Meagan and Matt’s house from the bus was fierce as they lived several blocks away, completely barred from the bus. The weather was brutally cold and the streets were completely dark (local time: 7pm). When I finally make it to their house, I am greeted with the promise of Lasagna and about 1 hour of CSI.

Today, I leave my warm, comfortable bed for the cold Calgary weather that doesn’t appear to be getting any better and make my way to ABC to talk with Mr. Pringle. Appearantly, I am to blame because my roommate is a liar and my landlords were douche bags. I don’t understand why this is and I am not quite sure why it is that everyone at that college wishes to bully me. It feels at times that I am helpless in my struggle. It feels as if that the faculty (Mr. Pringle and Mr. Frasier) will not stop their assault against me. I am growing terribly tired of this and I wish that I could just escape…

Talking with Mr. Pringle today got me thinking about how well the school takes freedom of speech. The college is actually very hypocritical and I know at least one person that sees this as well. My blog is a mind dump, more or less. You can write about the things that are going on in your life and it helps you feel much better. When comments come, it makes you feel that you are not alone in the struggle that is life. It is a slice of my life that not everyone sees and they get to view the world that I live in a little differently.

I don’t blog about anything, or share opinions, that I wouldn’t feel happy talking about up on a stage in front of friends and strangers. This is why I am not anonymous nor do I wish to be. My name IS Kyle Korleski (no, that is not a pen name) and I live in Calgary, Alberta for the time being (if I were to move, it’d definitely be to Halifax or Vancouver). I have a loud, outspoken attitude that some people find to be very acidic. I’d love to be stopped and told how much my blog rocks/sucks. I love writing this blog because it gives me a chance and a forum in which to vent my anger, disgust and discontentment with the world, while at the same time celebrating the wonderful things that happen in my life. It is very nice to actually get comments on this blog, and no, the viagra spam comments do not count in this. (more…)

Even though I have been in this country for only a month, I have learned a lot about life in general and basically, I have learned a lot of important life lessons in the first month that I have been here.

First and foremost, I have learned that when someone hasn’t been somewhere, they cannot be the expert of that place. I am no exception. I thought I knew everything there was to know about Calgary but I was wrong - because I had never been there. In the month I have been here, it has only snowed ONCE.

Second, people aren’t always what they seem. If you are a details person, you would have probably noticed that I removed Miranda’s web address from my blog roll last night. I guess you never know when you have found the one person you would love forthe rest of your life or when you found a complete bitch that doesn’t give a damn about anyone other than herself. But I will not let this make me bitter.

Third, don’t count your chickens before they hatch. I assumed all the money would take only a short while to get into Canada and OH was I wrong. My Aunt Lori dragged this on for weeks after I arrived in Canada and months before arriving. Basically, I am kind of pissed off about this solely because of the fact that I really need the funds to pay my tuition and all that.

Basically, this month was full of learning experiences that I thank god for greatly. I do, however, think that my life’s experiences are starting to turn for the better.

you dont live in canada i saw you a couple of weeks ago walking down kuykendahl…and elliott saw you too he wanted to get your butt but yah

Uh, tell that to the CBSA and CIC. Oh and you might want to tell that to Alberta Bible College. And while you are at it, why not tell Miranda, or my roommate? How about telling my landlord that? What of telling the guy down at Safeway that? Or the people who ride a Calgary transit bus? Or the minister over at Bow Valley Church of Christ. I am certain they’d love to hear it. Oh and how about CIBC and Telus. Or my next door neighbours. And what of my mother, who saw me off to the airport? How about telling that to the Air Canada staff?

You have 2 people that saw a glimpse of what you claim is me where I have like several people who have seen me face to face. Anyone who reads this and sees Kendra, tell her about this post and that hopefully, she will see that there are more than 2 people that agree with me, that I do live in Canada. But yeah.

Edit: I edited the words to convey my true opinion

Why is this bad? Well, the Internet is a very social network and it was built to be decentralised and an open standard. However, this bill will make it more impossible to run a website with the truth. How so, you ask? Well, here are the reasons MY blog and site would be effected if Net Neutrality were to fail in the states.

1. I tell about my bad experiences of Charter Cable, AOL, Microsoft and all those mother fuckers so once Net Neutrality fails, they will have the power to block my content or make it slower.
2. Advertisements and advertising partners will make less payouts to webmasters and give the ISPs and Telcos more money to prioritise their advertisements. Content is king and it is the reason why the Internet is so successful. Would someone watch 30 minutes of television to see 29 minutes of advertisements as opposed to just 6 minutes of advertisements? Of course not! We would get out a bit more and enjoy life and do other things. And eventually, since we wouldn’t be able to see the benefit of having a “high-speed” internet connection, we’d cancel it in a heartbeat.
3. Do you really think we’d be able to use Instant Messengers from other ISPs? Like if I were using Yahoo!’s DSL programme in the states, do you think that I would be able to gain the same level of connectivity with MSN Messenger, ICQ and AOL IM that I would gain with Yahoo!? Of course not, because Yahoo! would love to try to drive people to help improve it’s market share.
4. Great sites like The Pirate Bay and Boxtorrents would drastically be reduced in popularity as we would probably have an even lower level connection to bittorrent.
5. Firefox is gaining considerable steam and market power. Now, if Net Neutrality fails, it may be that the only browser you will be able to use (if you use MSN or an ISP that works with MSN) is Internet Explorer. That sucks, doesn’t it?

So I approve of Net Neutrality.

Well, along with the regular development of my site, I am updating the rest of my software (including K2 and all the other plugins that I use). Plus, I have already had a few ideas about a few new plugins I am planning to install. Also, there are a few CS things that I want to do. I am also working on getting a new scanner, so you’ll see my art really soon. But keep in mind that I have the right to publish whatever the hell I want on my website so please do not even begin flaming me. Thank you in advance.

So, if you are unable to access my blog, it is very likely because I messed something up.

I know that it is theoretically Wordless Wednesday but I have to write this.

Today I feel as if I am completely alone. I cannot explain exactly why but even though there are people around me - I can’t help but feel alone and weak. I feel hurt, abused and ashamed and even though I know why - I can’t explain why that would make me feel this way. I can only hope that the pain that I feel is lifted by a beam of light in the midst of things.

The weather walking to school was very indicitive of how I feel, gloomy, overcast and completely without hope. I am so sad and so afraid and I fear that over the coming week, these feelings will only grow to make me more sad, hopeless and afraid.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about my clients, I don’t care about everyone around me, essentially - I don’t care anymore. I feel like a great pain has been placed on my heart and yet I cannot control it. I feel as if my emotions have been spiraled from a psychotic anger/happy offbeat attitude into a passive-agressive, sarcastic anger that overshadows every single thought that I have.

Before class came up to me, she came up to me. The girl that I would do anything to prove my love to. For a second, I thought she was going to tell me that the time apart was over - that I would have this pain lifted from me, to have this veil of darkness lifted from my eyes - the veil that does not allow me to use wisdom to discern who is trying to be nice and who is just being sarcastic. But it was not so, for a split second, I thought that the rain and clouds have been lifted from my very soul. Oh, how cruel fate is to make me feel like there is hope but to take it away from me. This just made me feel even worse, even more helpless and even more pained.

D came to me for his textbook and I snapped at him. I can’t explain why but he caught me at the wrong moment. I fear that I might be making him feel like I am trying to be hostile towards him. I don’t think he understands that out of all 19 years of my life, I am overcome with pained with grief and loss. I fear I would lash out at everyone else in my broken state or worse - her. While my angst and pain is due to my temporary loss of her, it is not her fault - it is only mine. I realise for the first time in my life, the worst feeling in my life - a pain that afflicts every orifice of my body and soul.

When I look around the classroom, I think “Everyone looks too God damn cheerful or relieved. Why the hell are they so calm now?” But I know it would not be a great idea to try to afflict everyone else with my pain - for I would only be driving her away. I just want to fall down and fall asleep so that I can go right to next week. Then, maybe, I will not have caused her to consider allowing my pain to continue. I guess I should try to feel better so everyone else can feel comfortable around me or try to appear as if I feel good when on the inside, I am being torn from limb to limb. I should try to smile while my back is being emotionally beaten and flogged. I should try to mask the pain and affliction in my voice and demeanour. I try to hold back my tears and put on a happy face. I hope I can do that for the sake of everyone around me… for the sake of her.

You know, it’s funny though - how just something as simple as a game of foosball could help me set my mind to put everything back into perspective. Why the hell should I be depressed? Why the hell should I be angry? Why the hell am I doing this to myself? I’ve been in worse situations and I’ve always persevered. I’ve always walked away from my trials and tribulations a much stronger and well formed person. I’ve bounced back even stronger and in a high spirit then I entered the situation in and I’ve always recovered from the pain I felt - so why should this be any different? Giving up is foolish and I feel I should just persevere. So what if she decides not to be my girlfriend? I believe that I can show her that I have the character and strength to be her boyfriend because after all - while conquering others is strength, conquering yourself is true power.

You know, I’ve just realised something. The reason why I never blog about anything interesting is because I sit on my ass all day, usually playing Ragnarok Online. Of course, when I told this to Miranda, she just said “it isn’t up to you to decide what to talk about all the time you know.” I know that’s true but I think I’d be able to talk about a lot more if I got around the city a lot more. Broadened my horizons. DID SOMETHING ELSE!

My laptop is showing the signs that I should get rid of it. The battery can’t hold the charge, the hard disc can’t hold my data and Windows just plain sucks. Not much of a blog post but it’s something, eh?