The Darkest Evil

I know that it is theoretically Wordless Wednesday but I have to write this.

Today I feel as if I am completely alone. I cannot explain exactly why but even though there are people around me - I can’t help but feel alone and weak. I feel hurt, abused and ashamed and even though I know why - I can’t explain why that would make me feel this way. I can only hope that the pain that I feel is lifted by a beam of light in the midst of things.

The weather walking to school was very indicitive of how I feel, gloomy, overcast and completely without hope. I am so sad and so afraid and I fear that over the coming week, these feelings will only grow to make me more sad, hopeless and afraid.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about my clients, I don’t care about everyone around me, essentially - I don’t care anymore. I feel like a great pain has been placed on my heart and yet I cannot control it. I feel as if my emotions have been spiraled from a psychotic anger/happy offbeat attitude into a passive-agressive, sarcastic anger that overshadows every single thought that I have.

Before class came up to me, she came up to me. The girl that I would do anything to prove my love to. For a second, I thought she was going to tell me that the time apart was over - that I would have this pain lifted from me, to have this veil of darkness lifted from my eyes - the veil that does not allow me to use wisdom to discern who is trying to be nice and who is just being sarcastic. But it was not so, for a split second, I thought that the rain and clouds have been lifted from my very soul. Oh, how cruel fate is to make me feel like there is hope but to take it away from me. This just made me feel even worse, even more helpless and even more pained.

D came to me for his textbook and I snapped at him. I can’t explain why but he caught me at the wrong moment. I fear that I might be making him feel like I am trying to be hostile towards him. I don’t think he understands that out of all 19 years of my life, I am overcome with pained with grief and loss. I fear I would lash out at everyone else in my broken state or worse - her. While my angst and pain is due to my temporary loss of her, it is not her fault - it is only mine. I realise for the first time in my life, the worst feeling in my life - a pain that afflicts every orifice of my body and soul.

When I look around the classroom, I think “Everyone looks too God damn cheerful or relieved. Why the hell are they so calm now?” But I know it would not be a great idea to try to afflict everyone else with my pain - for I would only be driving her away. I just want to fall down and fall asleep so that I can go right to next week. Then, maybe, I will not have caused her to consider allowing my pain to continue. I guess I should try to feel better so everyone else can feel comfortable around me or try to appear as if I feel good when on the inside, I am being torn from limb to limb. I should try to smile while my back is being emotionally beaten and flogged. I should try to mask the pain and affliction in my voice and demeanour. I try to hold back my tears and put on a happy face. I hope I can do that for the sake of everyone around me… for the sake of her.

You know, it’s funny though - how just something as simple as a game of foosball could help me set my mind to put everything back into perspective. Why the hell should I be depressed? Why the hell should I be angry? Why the hell am I doing this to myself? I’ve been in worse situations and I’ve always persevered. I’ve always walked away from my trials and tribulations a much stronger and well formed person. I’ve bounced back even stronger and in a high spirit then I entered the situation in and I’ve always recovered from the pain I felt - so why should this be any different? Giving up is foolish and I feel I should just persevere. So what if she decides not to be my girlfriend? I believe that I can show her that I have the character and strength to be her boyfriend because after all - while conquering others is strength, conquering yourself is true power.