http://www.gnorb.net/life/20060530/15-steps-to-a-healthy-self-image/

(Not linked so you know I’m not trying to link spam.)

My apologies if I came of as dismissive, pushy, or snobbish, and good luck with your lady friend.

When the student is ready analogy: You’re already getting the answer you seek. However, you may not be ready to accept that answer, despite the fact that you’re asking the question. Therefore no matter if the right answer comes you won’t accept it because you don’t really know what you’re looking for. In fact, you may not even recognize the answer.

Basically here’s what I’m trying to say with all this: you asked a question. You got the same answer from a number of unrelated resources. (Myself and, apparently, other people.) Now, I’m not an investigative reporter (anymore), but when three sources come to me with the same information, and I know for a fact they’re unlrelated, then I know I should listen to what these people are saying, because there’s obviously something going on, and there’s some truth to what I’m hearing.

(For the record, I’m talking from experience here. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of the same things I did. You’re not a bad looking guy, from the pics I saw. Frankly, you might want to clean yourself up a bit, but that’s neither here nor there: I’m uglier than you, and I’m guessing a lot of those “pretty boys” you talk about also are. But what really matters to most people *is* what is on the inside. Once I finally realized that my entire life changed. The looks — they can be an advantage, but the attitude, the self-esteem: those are the ultimate trump cards.)

It sounds as if the answer you seek has been in front of you all along. Nevertheless, only when the student is ready will the teacher show up.

Again, good luck.

In all seriousness, I’ll try to answer as many of these as I can, seeing as you seem to be running in to a situation similar to what I’ve run across, especially right before I got married:

“I have been wondering how to coerce someone who states they want to “only be friends” into becoming much more. Is this possible?”

Sometimes. Depends on the person, depends on the vibe you’re getting from them. Humans are illogical creatures, and love is the most illogical thing of them all. I’ll give you two examples: There was this girl, Heather, who I used to be friends with. Actually, we were friends because she kept wanting to see me. That was fine, ’cause so was she. Eventually she revealed to me that she was attracted to me, and I revealed my attraction to her. Still, she argued that we weren’t right for each other. We still went out and hung out all the time, but never alone, and while I kept asking her out, she kept saying no. Another example was Cindy. She had been dating this guy for what seemed like forever, but I really *really* liked her. For 4 years. I asked her out a few times, but she decided to stay “just friends.” I stayed friends with her, but didn’t keep asking her out, instead just being her friend. (”If you love something, let it go…”) Eventually, she broke up with the guy she was with, and a couple of months later, we started dating. We’re now married. The lesson here: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

“How much time would it take?”

As long as it takes. Patience, as painful as it is, is a virtue. Nevertlehess, you must be willing to walk away.

“Or is it just wiser to find someone less willing to stab you through the heart? Is it really that hard to find a good, credible partner?!”

Maybe and yes — In that order. Keep the deck stacked in your favor. Feel free to like other people. Don’t be affraid to talk to this person about those other situations, if you two are really friends.

“I would just like someone to care for that cares for me in return. Is that too much to ask and expect of the universe?”

Singing *I thought love was only true in fairy tales…made for someone else, but not for me…* Seriously, you may not be ready. Sorry to be so blunt, but I’m of the belief that you won’t get more than you can handle — good or bad. That said, try this: write down on a sheet of paper everything you’d like in a woman. EVERYTHING, to the last detail. Then take those components and write them in a form of a letter. Start it with “Dear God, Thank you for finding a person for me which meets these criteria…” End it with “Thank you.” Read it to yourself every morning and every night. The universe will callude with your mind to find someone which matches that criteria to the tee, eventually. Remember that you may have to change and grow in order for you to handle that kind of person. That’s fine.

(For the record, I’m teling you everything I did in order to end up with who I ended up with. I *love* being married to my wife. But I had to grow up before she and I could get together.)

“I was not born in Canada - so I have to take the hard way in and there is so much wrong with my life. I know how much esteem the universe has for me. Zero.”

WTF? Dude, stop whining and start winning. Become confident. You live at the level at which you speak, so clean up your speaking. I suggest “What to Say When You Talk To Yourself” and “Who are you and what do you really want”, both by Shad Helmstetter. Read them, digest them, and live them. “Think and Grow Rich” and “Master Key to Riches” by Napoleon Hill I would also recommend to you.

“I am so tired of asking girls out and getting either “no” or “let’s just be friends”. WHY THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?!”

Because right now she doesn’t like you. Change. Women are attracted to confidence, and confidence comes from knowing that you are good enough to accomplish anything you set your mind to. The definition of insanity, according to some, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Recommendation, stop asking her out for now. You’re just friends: that’s it. Accept it and make the most of it: become a true friend. Read a few books on improving your self esteem and grow yourself. Expand your horizons. Once you start growing, things will change, because you will change. (I speak here of direct experience. My problem was self esteem. Once I raised that, Cindy couldn’t help but be attracted to me, since I offered exactly what she was looking for. I didn’t before, I did after I grew. And yes, women, even the ones who like the bad boys, love a man that is willing to change and grow. Confidence is key here. Trust me on this one, I’m no looker, and my wife’s a babe. See http://www.myspace.com/gnorb to see what I mean. I’m the big fat one. The chick’s the wife.)

“Don’t they know or care that they are hurting someone’s feelings?”

Do you care you might be hurting hers? Stop looking in the mirror and turn your eyes to others. You’ll be surprised at what you might find.

“Would they really rather go with the “pretty boys” that would lie to them, cheat on them and leave them to pain and humiliation?”

Yes, because they have confidence. Sad? Yes. Stupid? Absolutely. But factual, my friend. Sadly factual. Self esteem is the key here, however: increase that and all manner of doors will open.

“How can they really be expected to? With their looks at the time being, girls are a dime a dozen. However, looks fade.”

While some girls are super shallow (”eww, he’s fat, I’d never go out with him”) you’ll find that most of them will like you when you’re comfortable with who you are. You live at the level at which you speak, which reveals the level at which you think and feeds it.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: I make no sense. I thought so, too, when I first heard this. I’m just a total stranger from the Interwebz, so listen to me if you want to, don’t listen to me if you don’t. But try what I say anyway, then judge based on the results. Give it time, too: it won’t happen overnight. Your self esteem took years to get where it is now, it will take some time to be brought back up. That’s OK. I’ve spent the past 5 years working *heavily* on mine and it has made all the difference.

Good luck.